I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. As an ordained minister, I have officiated a good number of weddings, and one renewal of vows by a couple who had previously decided to divorce. I always share a number of truths about marriage when officiating a wedding or during premarital counseling. One of the most significant is that MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK. Yes, you heard me right. It is hard work that must be done by both spouses, on a fairly regular basis. That is not to say that marriage isn’t wonderful and satisfying and fun. It’s all those, and more. But both spouses must work at it every day, as a true labor of love.
As a lawyer for over half a century, I have witnessed how divorce has become progressively easier. No fault divorce based on separation for a year or more is relatively simple, depending on whether the spouses can agree on division of marital property, spousal support, child custody and child support. But it’s not cheap. Even at its most basic, uncontested level, spouses can easily spend several thousand dollars securing a formal separation agreement and divorce. And then there is the emotional trauma. I have found that the more passionate couples loved, the more passionate they often fight in the divorce arena. And when there are minor children, they suffer significant emotional trauma that has long lasting effects.
It’s very easy to marry in Virginia and all other states. With parental consent, sixteen year olds can marry. And any two unmarried persons eighteen years or older who are not siblings or first cousins can marry just by paying less than $50 for the license and convincing an officiant to perform the ceremony. There’s no requirement for a blood test, waiting period or premarital counseling. It just takes two human beings who are not already married and who are not legally incapacitated (for example, mentally disabled to the point where one or both parties do not understand what they are doing).
Put all this together and you have easy to get in and relatively easy to get out, but hard work to stay in. Reminds me of the four rules for the personnel department in the military. If you were out and wanted in, you couldn’t get in. If you were out and wanted to stay out, they would draft you in. If you were in and wanted to stay in, they kicked you out. And finally, if you were in and wanted to get out, they kept you in. Make sense? At least it was easy to remember. But I digress. This subject is too serious for levity.
My heart breaks when I see the couples who have decided divorce is necessary. Statistics are bad enough, but the faces I see just make indelible imprints on my brain. And don’t get me started on the children. Sometimes I think their consent should be required for a divorce of their parents. That’s how bad it is for them. I want to be part of a rescue squad that parachutes into the middle of serious marital conflicts and helps the spouses develop skills to survive, preserve and strengthen their marriages.
But what can I do at age 76? My military days are over, as I retired thirty years ago. No more exercises requiring physical strength and agility. No more heroics. Just an old man who has made it, with the grace of God, through almost fifty three years of marriage, to two wonderful and patient women. Not at the same time, of course, but in succession, after my first wife was called Home early due to a horrific cancer. God always knows what He’s doing, so He connected me with a sweet woman whose husband had succumbed to cancer. It was a perfect match, but still hard work. Just ask her. Together we have over ninety seven years of marriage experience. Many opportunities to grow and learn valuable lessons, sometimes the hard way.
From a Biblical perspective, marriage was God’s idea. He designed it and gave it meaning and purpose. Spiritually, marriage is a three party, forever covenant. God is not just an interested witness, but an actual party to a marriage of two of His precious children who profess and live the Christian faith. For them, He is never far away. Jesus Christ used marriage as a living picture of His sacrificial love for His church. Of course, the power that flows from and through that tripartite relationship must be appropriated in order to be effectively used. This is done by prayer, treating the Bible as an operations manual for life on this earth, loving in mutual submission, and hard work. The covenant is for life, and there are no escape clauses.
Why then are divorce rates in the church as high as outside the church? Too many couples won’t do the hard work that it takes to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. Too many couples who profess Christianity never learn how or take the time to appropriate God’s power. When things get really bad, as in the loss of a job, the death of a child, sexual infidelity, or major differences in raising children or handling finances, the grass can seem much greener on the outside, and divorce seems like the only sure escape hatch. Quitting is what it is, pure and simple. It just seems like a mountain too high to climb. Sometimes it may be. But not many times. Next thing you know, one spouse has moved out of the marital home, consulted a lawyer for temporary support orders and mapped out the road to divorce.
After lots of prayer and soul searching, I have decided to become a family law mediator. I want to try to save as many marriages as possible while I am still on this side of eternity, and if it just isn’t possible to prevent a couple from divorcing, I want to help them come to a fair and sensible agreement on as many issues as possible, and minimize the expense and relational trauma that often comes with contested court proceedings. Life is like a book, with many chapters. I want to start a new chapter, and try to make huge differences in the lives of as many couples as possible.
A Recipe for a Healthy Marriage
Good communication is crucial to a healthy marriage. There will always be hurt feelings, misunderstandings and honest differences of opinion. But the temptation to flee from uncomfortable conflict must be resisted. It’s fine to take a short break to regain your composure, but you must lovingly re-engage with your partner and talk things out. As the wise adage goes, don’t go to bed without having restored the peace. Or was it don’t let the sun set on your anger?
The truth is that married couples are ONE. When either party hurts, the other feels the pain. As a wise person once said: “marriage is oneness: when one party shed tears, the other tastes the salt.”
A number of Biblically based principles properly inform a healthy marriage. Among these are:
(1) consider your spouse’s interests ahead of your own, and trust God to bless you by meeting your needs through your spouse;
(2) forgive quickly and as often as necessary, just as God has graciously forgiven you; patience is indeed a virtue.
(3) always check your own heart (the log in your eye) before trying to point out any fault on the part of your spouse;
(4) listen well before you speak, and choose your words very carefully; words once spoken can light a forest fire of hurt feelings, and it is impossible to “unspeak” such hurtful words;
(5) never try to change your spouse, as only God can really do that, in response to prayers; just love him or her and respect your spouse as God’s special provision for you;
(6) put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, that is, try hard to look at a problem from his or her perspective before deciding what to say or do; and put the Golden Rule into practice, every day; and always assume the best intentions on your spouse’s part;
(7) don’t try to keep score as to past wrongs or hold prior wrongs over the head of your spouse;
(8) resist the temptation to try to control your spouse, as this is a recipe for frustration and hurt on both sides;
(9) never criticize your spouse in front of others, discuss your marital “problems” with friends, neighbors or workmates, or make jokes at your spouse’s expense; on the contrary, seek every opportunity to encourage and build up your spouse, recalling that in God’s eyes you are indeed ONE—so you cannot build yourself up at your spouse’s expense, and any harm you cause your spouse also harms you;
(10) discuss and seek agreement on all significant decisions that impact the marriage or family, especially with respect to finances; unilateral decisions, dictator-like attitudes, and too many unwelcome “surprises” are seeds that grow discontent, frustration and distrust;
(11) spend quality time with your spouse away from children or others (as in periodic “dates”) to keep your relationship vibrant, romantic and resilient;
(12) if you truly believe and acknowledge that God is real and a vital party to your marriage, pray to Him together daily, read and study Scripture together, and ask God to lead and guide you in all matters, for your joy and His glory; and finally
(13) when temptation to explore intimate relations with third parties comes, and it surely will, draw on God’s power to RESIST such temptation and EXPEL from your mind any thoughts that could, if allowed to fester, lead to disastrous actions.
Getting Started on the Right Footing
In my experience, many couples suffer from what I call the “expectations reality deficit.” It is axiomatic that happiness is often a function of the gap between our expectations and reality. Unrealistic expectations are a major problem in today’s marriages. That’s why premarital counseling is so critical. It not only provides tools for building a happy and healthy marriage, but it helps identify significant differences in the experiences, values and expectations of each prospective spouse and then figure out ways to harmonize those differences (or, if they are too great, to reverse course before it is too late).
I am not suggesting that a successful marriage requires compatibility across all subject areas. Many times different experiences and gifting enable spouses to complement each other. Knitting certain kinds of differences together in a tapestry of love can really strengthen a marriage. But, on certain key issues, it is critical that there be unity. Such issues would include religious faith and God’s role, if any, in the marriage and family. Others would be whether to have children, how many and how to raise them; the primary roles of the spouses in respect to the family, household, and work outside the home; basic attitudes concerning finances, like saving and spending, debt and charitable giving; and sexual expression.
Another problem is that many couples believe marriage must be delayed until each party is finished with all education and training, has a good job and is able to comfortably cover all financial needs. This sounds great, but denies both parties the joy and mutual sacrifices that are inherent in building a strong foundation for life together. Why wait until two separate foundations have already been laid? It’s a big mistake, and deferring having children until you are already in your thirties or forties is a recipe for many problems, both near term and downstream.
Here’s a major problem. Many, if not most, couples base their relationship on body chemistry and physical or sexual attraction. Don’t misunderstand me. There is always a degree of physical attraction. But despite its prominence in the very early stages of marriage, it is not the main thing. The main thing is the heart, the spirit. Physical beauty fades and can change in an instant. But having a life partner who has a sweet spirit is the nearest thing to heaven on earth. Having a partner with a sour spirit (often negative, nagging or complaining) is the nearest thing to hell on earth. And sex is a special gift from God, never just a way to satisfy one partner’s needs, nor a substitute for working through problems or conflicts. It should never be forced. It is simply a natural expression of mutual love and a desire to please your partner.
Take a few moments to read the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth, as recorded in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13. It is a beautiful expression of the kind of God empowered love that can, when consistently applied, be a powerful force keeping any marriage healthy.
In today’s world, there are so many voices that try to get people to make decisions in a certain way, it can be very hard to navigate all the noise. Social media has turned out to be as much a curse as a blessing. Cohabitation without marriage is no longer discouraged, and many couples don’t see the need for marriage. For married couples to live a healthy and mutually satisfying life together takes constant vigilance, encouragement and daily investments of love and respect by both parties. Never take anything for granted, except for God’s enduring love and truth. Have a blessed day, and if you are married, find special ways to bless your spouse this and each new day. You’ll be glad you did!
I will close by adopting for myself a wise saying I appropriated from a dear friend. “Work for a cause, not applause. Live life to express, not to impress. Don’t strive to make your presence noted, just live so your absence will be felt.”